confidence, intuition, and shame pops

Intuition-Self-Esteem In my recent giveaway over on Facebook, I asked readers about what kinds of topics they'd like to see covered on the blog. One of them, not surprisingly, was confidence (*hat-tip to Susannah*), so I wanted to address that topic in today's post. (FYI, I'll use "confidence" and "self-esteem" interchangeably here; I'm sure we could split hairs on the distinction, but I consider them to be more or less the same concept.)

My journey to confidence has been much like my journey to this career: very windy. And as I write that, I'm laughing because my biggest struggles with confidence in recent years have been about my competency as a therapist. It is a tough business to be a young person in, y'all. Probably the best words of advice I have gotten on that topic came from my supervisor (a very wise woman), who told me, "You just have to allow yourself to be a young therapist." I think that comment applies in a much broader way, too:

"You just have to allow yourself to be __________."

Who you are.

Where you are.

At THIS moment.

A lot of people fear that if they give themselves this permission, they will become complacent. It's okay to want to become more skilled or more experienced or more healthy. But it has to also be paired with some level of acceptance of where you are today. This is the critical difference between acceptance and settling.

Self-Esteem and Intuition

I have written about how I believe that having a strong practice of self-compassion is more important than having high self-esteem. And while I do still believe that, some of what I've been reading in Caroline Myss' Anatomy of Spirit has reminded me of the critical importance of self-esteem, too, at least when defined in a spiritual context. She writes,

As we develop a sense of self, our intuitive voice becomes a natural and constant source of guidance. How we feel about ourselves, whether we respect ourselves, determines the quality of our life, our capacity to succeed in business, relationships, healing, and intuitive skills ... Intuitive guidance means having the self-esteem to recognize that the discomfort or confusion that a person feels is actually directing him to take charge of his life and make choices that will break him out of stagnation or misery. If a person suffers from low self-esteem, she cannot act on her intuitive impulses because her fear of failure is too intense. Intuition, like all meditative disciplines, can be enormously effective, if and only if, one has the courage and personal power to follow through on the guidance it provides.

She does such a good job at articulating something I feel like I already knew inside (intuitively!), but couldn't find the words to explain. Of course self-esteem is critical in this sense. It's about becoming intimate with your sense of self and having faith in your gut instincts (intuition), not about giving yourself mental gold stars for being the best/strongest/smartest.

So How Do You Get There?

Myss also notes that "No one is born with healthy self-esteem. We must earn this quality in the process of living, as we face challenges one at a time." I believe that everyone is born inherently good, and will more or less believe that they are good until confronted with external circumstances (i.e. a highly critical parent, media messages, bullying) that challenge this. However, developing a deeper trust in oneself and a sense of self-efficacy only come with experience. With doing the miles, and often learning the hard way.

For me, it was about both: first, coming to believe that I am already whole (which only happened when I connected spiritually), and second, giving myself many opportunities to learn, try, fail, try again, succeed, celebrate, fall, learn, try again. And the longer I'm on this planet, the more I expect and am okay with this sometimes-painful process, because in the end I get to know that guiding voice inside me a little bit better.

Fear is always part of the equation, but when you do not try, the cold, hard reality is that you deny yourself the opportunity to be proud of your efforts, which is necessary for building confidence. This also involves the spiritual challenge of working to let go of outcomes, or at least to be able to move through the grief or shame a non-ideal outcome rather than living in it for days or months or longer.

Shame Pops and "Not Good Enough"

I'm not sure where the term originated (neither is Google), but some of my colleagues and I refer to those sudden cringe-worthy, nauseating moments of shame as "getting hit by the shame pop." I visualize either a big-ass bat or an actual huge lollipop that comes out of nowhere and smacks you across the face. It's visceral, and it sucks. I believe that shame is really the only emotion that is not productive or helpful. (Some camps separate "toxic shame" and "healthy shame," while Brené Brown and others classify it into "shame" and "guilt", the latter of which actually can be helpful because it gives you a signal that you're straying form your core values.) However, I also believe that just like the experience of vulnerability, we cannot opt out of shame, as much as we might want to. And efforts to avoid it altogether often mean that we also avoid taking the kind of risks that would be life-expanding. Rather than avoid shame, we just need to have an action plan in place (shame resiliency, in Brené's terms) to help us shake it off as quickly as possible when we get hit by the shame pop. Not to numb it, but to reach out quickly for support and take actions of true self-care (not the same as self-indulgence, which usually end in regret!)

One of the most liberating ideas that I learned as I developed my sense of self and learned how to better handle shame was that you don't have to hate even the darkest parts of yourself. After I swung from anorexia into binge eating, I used to L-O-A-T-H-E the part of me that binged. It felt like a monster literally taking over my body, and when it was over, it was pure self-hatred, because I was just digging myself deeper into my existing hole of body-hatred. I learned from Geneen Roth about the Internal Family Systems model of therapy, and this was the first time that I could recognize that this part of me who binged was just a part that was trying to help me put out a fire but wasn't doing it in the right way. Rather than hatred, that part needed love and understanding, and to be told, "hey, I can see what you're trying to do and I appreciate that, but I've learned some things and have a way we can do it better now." I'll never forget the first time that I crawled into a hot bath afterwards and cried, finally not from a place of self-hatred, but from sadness and acceptance of this lost and scared part of me. Learning this fact and feeling it in my heart was a major turning point for me in truly recovering from my eating disorder.

The second liberating idea is to recognize that you will always have "not good enough" thoughts. I still have them regularly, but they no longer paralyze me (or lead me down a path of self-destructive behavior) because I've learned to use Defusion skills to name the story ("Yep, there's the 'not good enough' story again. Thanks, mind. I can take it from here because I actually want to do this thing anyway because it's important to me.") Sometimes we think that the people who are really good (worthy, talented, pretty, successful, confident, etc.) don't have these thoughts anymore. That's just plain wrong. They still have the "not good enough" thoughts like you and me, but they have learned to relate to them differently so the thoughts don't get in the way of doing what matters to them. If you think something's wrong with you because you still have these thoughts, I beg of you, please release yourself of that expectation and instead work to have a different relationship with the thoughts when they show up. Even just naming the story will help you get some distance from it.

And when you do that, you'll be more likely to follow through on whatever it is you're scared to do, and that is how confidence is built. Brick, by brick, by brick.

What does confidence mean to you? Do you agree with the connection between self-esteem and intuition? Please share your thoughts in the comments, on Facebook, or wherever else you're connecting. Much love to you all!

why the "L" word makes me anxious

Leave a legacy of grace. Acts of service are tiny miracles.

Recently in one of the therapy groups I co-facilitate, one of my clients brought in and read the poem, “The Dash” by Linda Ellis. I’d heard it before, and it’s a great poem. (Out of respect for the copyright, I won’t post it here, but definitely click through to read it if you haven’t.)

Then, this client asked everyone in the group to share about what kind of legacy they want to leave in their lives. Gulp.

Legacy. There it is.

For as long as I’ve really understood what it means, hearing the word “legacy” has given me a nervous feeling. It seems like such a loaded word, literally loaded with the expectation of greatness, of saving the world, of anything but mediocre. Then I get on the train of feeling that it’s self-centered to want to be not mediocre. And the idea of leaving a capital-L Legacy to this world after I leave it seems far too monumental a task. It’s reserved for truly great people like St. Teresa, Martin Luther King, Maya Angelou, Robin Williams. So, usually, I shake off the word and continue going about my day.

When these women shared about the legacy they want to leave in the world, I saw the flickers of joy in their eyes, and I felt my heart soften up around this word. They spoke of wanting to be great daughters, doctors, friends, listeners. To make their love felt in the world. To change one person’s life. And it was a reminder to me that greatness comes in many shapes and sizes (both literally and figuratively, being in the eating disorder treatment world.) I witness courage and resiliency in my work every day, and this was such an example of both. These are women who have been victimized, who have felt lost, hollow, hopeless, alone. And yet in moments like this, they tap into that reservoir of love and possibility, and the risk of hope not just for any life, but a great one.

When the circle got around me to last, I told the women that I have been reading and learning a lot about grace and what it means to be a channel for grace in the world. I’m devouring Caroline Myss’s Invisible Acts of Power (Channeling Grace in Your Everyday Life) and anxiously awaiting next month’s release of Mastin Kipp’s Growing Into Grace. In Myss’s book, she elegantly weaves together acts of service (gifts of grace) and the 7 chakras, my other fascination of late. Going into that is a post for another day, but the bottom line is that different types of service align with different chakras (the energy centers in our body, rooted in ancient eastern spiritual traditions), and that while all acts of service are valuable, the more energy that we put into them —usually meaning it’s a higher chakra gift, like empowering someone with education or self-love, vs giving them money for lunch — the more grace they bring into that person’s life and the world.

I told my clients that while I’m still figuring out the whole grace thing, I have a pretty good feeling that if my legacy were to be that I brought more grace into the lives of others and into the universe (which includes my own life), that I’d feel like I served my life purpose. That’s the kind of legacy I can open my heart to. It’s not necessarily about making a name for myself, or publishing a book, or leaving any “mark on the world” in the traditional sense. Acts of grace are both subtle (invisible) and miraculous at the same time.

Tiny miracles. Small moments of making a choice to pay attention, to listen, to love the hell out of the world. Because there’s no telling the ripple effect of a tiny miracle in one person’s life. Energy is energy, I am you and you are me.

What are your thoughts about legacy, grace, tiny miracles and acts of service? I would love to hear from you in the comments. I’m charging this post up with love, and I hope you can feel it. xo.