why I want to hide but am sharing this instead

why I want to hide but am sharing this instead

I’m writing this post with a queasy stomach, because I’ve told myself all kinds of stories about “what people will think” (quotes because I can see how that’s a ridiculous construct, though unfortunately that doesn’t make it vanish): that I’m lazy, can’t make a decision, can’t follow through, cowardly, not “trusting the universe,” etc. I won’t bore you with the rest— y’all know these stories. 

Here’s why: I’ve decided not to do (or at the very least, to significantly delay) the doctoral program I was enrolling in for the fall.

Even writing this right now is an exercise in decision-making and trusting my intuition as I notice how it feels to write those words. Though I can look back at the long pros-and-cons list in my journal and still acknowledge plenty of pro’s of forging ahead with it, my gut is telling me that the cons are more significant right now, and writing these words feels true and right. 

I realize at one level that I don’t have to explain or justify this choice to anyone— this is my decision. 

“But you told the whole internet!” 
“But the people who wrote your letters of recommendation will be upset with you for wasting their time!” 
“But your friends were proud of you and excited for you!”

Blah, blah, blah. 

I am not writing this post for those reasons. I am writing it because a big part of my life’s work so far involves helping others learn how to share their truth and their stories as a way of practicing authenticity and not allowing shame to breed in the darkness of isolation. It’s nice to share when the truth is shiny and exciting— but what about when it’s kind of embarrassing and makes you want to hide? 

Don’t hide. That’s the most important time not to hide. 

I’m also freshly inspired by the bold truth-telling of Glennon Doyle, whose first memoir I finally read on a long drive over the past few days. I have followed Glennon some on Instagram and heard her interviewed on a few podcasts, so knew a little about her, but hadn’t gotten around to reading either of her books (or many of her blog posts) until now. 

Carry On, Warrior is about Glennon’s journey through recovery from alcoholism, bulimia, drug abuse, and unhealthy relationships, into a life of radical authenticity. She learned that one of the greatest gifts she has to offer the world is sharing all parts of her story— especially the messy ones. After finishing the book, I was curious about what she shared publicly about her divorce, since she and her husband were still married at the time the first book was published in 2014, but I know she is now married to former US soccer player Abby Wambach

What I found was a post Glennon shared in August 2016 on her blog, Momastery (which is the platform that led to her first book deal) about the separation. She wrote about how, with her second book Love Warrior so close to its release date, pretty much everyone in her life was telling her to wait until after its publication to share the news.

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What's the F***ing Point episode 04: Annie Diomedes on "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"

You guys. Last weekend, I watched a movie that left my jaw on. the. FLOOR. Afterwards I said that watching it felt like someone had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and gave it a giant hug. So many tears, but not necessarily sad ones.

My friend Annie watched the same film over the weekend, and we both felt so passionate about it that we got together and had a juicy conversation about feelings, unconditional worth, education, mindfulness, yoga, and more. 

The movie was the recently released documentary about Mr. Rogers, "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" directed by Morgan Neville. I urge you to listen to this episode whether you have seen the film yet or not (it's a documentary y'all, spoilers are not a thing), because the topics we get into (and a few clips we listen to) transcend the film itself or even Fred Rogers himself. (Though I do absolutely recommend that you go watch it as soon as you possibly can — and catch trailer embedded at the bottom of this post.) 

"Won't You Be My Neighbor?" is especially poignant right now, because our country really needs to ask ourselves what Fred Rogers (or Ghandi, or Jesus, or Mother Teresa) would do. And I guaran-damn-tee you, right now he'd be doing a LOT to put a stop to the insane separation and detention of immigrant families and children.. And each of us can afford a little time and or cash to do our part, too. 

So let this serve as yet another reminder of the need for your voice and your support right now.

"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say, 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.” -- Fred Rogers

To listen to today's episode, you can stream or download from the embedded player below, or find and subscribe in your fave podcast listening app. (And just a note, Apple is being slow AF with getting my new podcast art updated in iTunes, so if you're finding the pod that way, you'll still see art for WholeYou, a former mini podcast venture I did.)

Thanks for listening, and if you dig, please share it with a friend and review the podcast on iTunes

About Annie Diomedes (according to yours truly)

My guest for this episode, Annie Diomedes, is a fellow Nashvillian hailing from the midwest who teaches yoga and piano to kids. She is also an all-around Renaissance woman who can make you a killer playlist, bake you a fluffy loaf of homemade bread, and crochet you a blanket to keep you warm. Annie is also a featured teacher at 2018 Music City International Day of Yoga happening later this week! And she likes Buffy, which gives her instant credibility. You can keep up with her on the gram at @anniediomedes

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Valerie Martin

Valerie Martin, LMSW, is a Primary Therapist at The Ranch residential treatment center, where she works with eating disorders, addiction, trauma, and co-occurring mental health issues. Valerie focuses on a holistic treatment approach of mind + body integration, using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), somatic and bioenergetic therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), psychodrama, 12-step, and shame resilience. She is also a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) Candidate. Valerie received her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications and Master of Science degree in Clinical Social Work at the University of Texas in Austin. She is an active member of the First Unitarian Universalist Church in Nashville, and emphasizes spiritual exploration in her work with clients.