What's the F***ing Point episode 18: 5 things i've learned about friendship as an adult

In this short-and-sweet solo podcast episode, I’m sharing *cue backup music* a few of my faaavorite [recent] things, and some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about friendship in adulthood.

For most of us, the whole friend thing gets a lot more challenging when we move or drift away from the “built in” friends we had growing up. (And hell, friendship during those years can be hard enough!) Some people might get lucky to find great friends in college, a job, or another community— but a lot of the time, depending on circumstances, we really have to seek that shit out, and doing so can feel super awkward and challenging.

In this episode, I get real about some of the lessons I’ve learned about making and keeping good friends in adulthood.

To listen to this episode, you can stream or download from the embedded player below, or find and subscribe in your fave podcast listening app. 

Thanks for listening, and if you dig, please share it with a friend and rate/review the podcast on iTunes so more people can find it! <3

Mentioned on This Episode:

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Valerie Martin

Valerie Martin, LMSW, is a Primary Therapist at The Ranch residential treatment center, where she works with eating disorders, addiction, trauma, and co-occurring mental health issues. Valerie focuses on a holistic treatment approach of mind + body integration, using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), somatic and bioenergetic therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), psychodrama, 12-step, and shame resilience. She is also a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) Candidate. Valerie received her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications and Master of Science degree in Clinical Social Work at the University of Texas in Austin. She is an active member of the First Unitarian Universalist Church in Nashville, and emphasizes spiritual exploration in her work with clients.

What's the F***ing Point episode 03: Laura Long on Radical Authenticity & Not Being an Asshole

If you enjoy that feeling of vacillating between laughing out loud (LOLing? maybe even LOLLERSKATING?** Maybe?) and sinking into profound thoughts like 20 times within a single hour, episode 3 with Laura Long is for you. 

Laura is a therapist for women and couples in the Greenville, SC area, and chief badass (my words, not hers) at Your Badass Therapy Practice, where she helps other therapists shine their lights even brighter. 

On the episode, Laura and I talk about:

  • how she developed a sense of radical authenticity
  • the lens through which she interprets her faith / spirituality
  • why things like tarot and astrology kiiind of frighten her
  • the 'x factor' of what makes feeling tiny/insignificant a positive experience rather than a nihilistic, depressing one
  • her fascination with relationships
  • ...and how we're all still figuring this shit out as we go along
  • why we're both obsessed with the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
  • how she cultivated the culture and space to step back and watch her tribe thrive 

To listen to today's episode, you can stream or download from the embedded player below, or find and subscribe in your fave podcast listening app. (And just a note, Apple is being slow AF with getting my new podcast art updated in iTunes, so if you're finding the pod that way, you'll still see art for WholeYou, a former mini podcast venture I did.)

Thanks for listening, and if you dig, please share it with a friend and review the podcast on iTunes

About Laura Long (LMFT-S)

Laura Long is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based near Greenville, South Carolina. She specialize in helping couples work through communication issues, sex and intimacy concerns, and those who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair. As the creator of Your Badass Therapy Practice, Laura helps therapists in private practice organize their business systems, streamline their marketing strategies, and fill their practices with the kind of clients they love working with. Laura is best known for her straight-up, no holds barred approach that often includes humor and…colorful language. You can connect with her through her mailing list (sign up at yourbadasstherapypractice.com), where she distills the secrets of successful entrepreneurs in a way that makes practice-building fun.

Mentioned on Today's Show:

**I CAN'T HELP MYSELF OKAY

LOLLERSKATE.gif
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Valerie Martin

Valerie Martin, LMSW, is a Primary Therapist at The Ranch residential treatment center, where she works with eating disorders, addiction, trauma, and co-occurring mental health issues. Valerie focuses on a holistic treatment approach of mind + body integration, using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), somatic and bioenergetic therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), psychodrama, 12-step, and shame resilience. She is also a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) Candidate. Valerie received her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications and Master of Science degree in Clinical Social Work at the University of Texas in Austin. She is an active member of the First Unitarian Universalist Church in Nashville, and emphasizes spiritual exploration in her work with clients.

the lasting impact of childhood emotional neglect

the lasting impact of childhood emotional neglect

At this point, hopefully most of us are on the same page that physical or sexual abuse of a child is wrong (read: as morally repugnant as it gets) and incredibly harmful to them long-term. If you're not yet familiar with the term "Adverse Childhood Experiences" (ACEs) or the landmark ACEs study done by CDC and Kaiser, taking a few minutes to explore these will help you understand the link between early childhood trauma and the majority of our societal and public health issues — like substance abuse, depression, and the cycles of poverty and violent crime, to name just a few.

While some people who enter into therapy know they have endured traumatic experiences (and might also know that these experiences are at the root of the other things they struggle with, like anxiety, an eating disorder, or relationship issues), many others have minimized their childhood experiences to an extent that they are not "connecting the dots" with how they are still being impacted by the things that happened (or should have happened and didn't) in their early years of life. 

The Risk of Overlooking Covert Trauma

Emotional abuse tends to be a particularly slippery issue. For instance, if someone is physically or sexually abused during childhood and doesn't know at the time that this was wrong and not "normal," often they learn this fairly early in adulthood. (Though due to the internalized shame of abuse, sometimes it takes increasing pain from dysfunctional coping behaviors before a person is ready to enter therapy for help.) Hopefully with this recognition, and the support of a skilled trauma therapist, the wounds they need to heal are fairly evident, and the path for healing, though not easy, is clear.

With emotional abuse and neglect, however, the experience is often more covert, and thus harder to identify as the root cause of whatever present-day issues someone is struggling with. Sure, some types of emotional abuse are more overt; but again, hopefully in these cases the person is aware that what was happening was not okay, and then has the opportunity to heal. But many times, the impact of more subtle forms of emotional abuse or neglect are like a rust that erodes a person's sense of self (healthy ego development) over time, until she takes on a world view that she is inadequate, does not matter, cannot trust others, will not be loved if others find out who she really is, and basically, better be able to figure things out on her own. She may not make the connection that the impact of a highly critical grandfather and workaholic mother is still impacting her beliefs about herself 25 years later. (And if no one ever helps her to make that connection and do the healing work, she will likely struggle with feeling like no amount of affirmations, anti-depressants, and cognitive behavioral therapy ever seems to help, so she must be right about herself that she's just fundamentally flawed.) 

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WholeYou Podcast #9: Fourth Chakra (Anahata)

WholeYou Podcast #9: Fourth Chakra (Anahata)

Want to deepen your relationships with others and with yourself? Check out Episode 9 of the WholeYou podcast!

You can listen to the show (stream or download) on the embedded SoundCloud box on this post, or find it on iTunes of your favorite podcast app. Thanks for listening! 

Fourth Chakra At a Glance:

  • Sanskrit Name: Anahata
  • Location: Heart area
  • Element: Air
  • Color: Green (also sometimes pink)
  • Issues: Love and self-love, relationships, intimacy
  • Goals: Balance, compassion, self-acceptance, connection
  • Basic Rights: To love and be loved

What we Discuss in Episode #9:

  • How to know if your fourth chakra is out of balance
  • Signs of a deficient and excessive fourth chakra
  • Love, self-love, relationships, and boundaries
  • Yoga poses, meditations, and pranayama to balance your heart chakra
  • Fourth chakra affirmations

Lauren and I are really appreciate you taking the time to listen and share your comments. If you like the show, subscribe on iTunes or your favorite podcast app, and please take 1 minute to leave us a review on iTunes  — it helps us to reach more people, and we'd be so grateful! 

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jonathan fields' 3 buckets to a good life: contribution, connection, & vitality {life balance 2.0}

jonathan-fields-3-buckets

In case you haven't figured it out already, I am a dork, and one of the ways my dork-ness manifests is my love for different frameworks of prioritizing values and living with mindfulness and intention.

One of the best I've learned in recent months is Jonathan Fields' "3 buckets" philosophy.

If you're not already familiar with Jonathan, he is the founder of Good Life Project, which he defines as "a movement. A set of shared values. A creed, and a community bundled with a voracious commitment to move beyond words and act." GLP consists of an annual live immersion event (Camp GLP), trainings, a web-based TV show, a podcast, and more.

One year I hope to attend Camp GLP, and in the meantime I love listening to the podcast, GLP Radio, where Jonathan hosts in-depth conversations with inspirational guests from all walks of life. I've also heard him interviewed on numerous other podcasts, including Jess Lively's (the queen of intention herself!) The Lively Show, where I first heard about the 3 buckets framework.

Basically, the idea is this:

In life, we all have 3 buckets. And they're not what you might think. (My first thought would be "mind, body, and spirit" of course! Not so, though these certainly fall within his framework.)

The 3 buckets are Vitality, Contribution, and Connection. And Jonathan proposes that, basically, we're only as good as our lowest bucket (cue British lady accent, "you ARE... the weakest link!"). So if you're pouring so much time, energy, and effort into a single area, there's a good chance the one or two of your other buckets are getting low — and until you get them back in shape, all your effort in the first area will have limited results.

Let's look at each of the 3 buckets:

1. Vitality

This is where most of the physical self-care fits, though would also include good mental health. The number one factor here, according to Jonathan, is getting good SLEEP. And then, certainly, quality nutrition, exercise, meditation, coping skills for stress, etc.

The right mix of activities and priorities will look a little different for each person, as is the case for the other two buckets.

2. Connection

As Bréne Brown famously says, humans are hard-wired for connection, love, and belonging. Some studies (like the classic Harlow monkeys) have even demonstrated that this sense of belonging is even more important in some ways than physiological needs.

If you feel a lack of connection with self, family, friends, or community, your Connection bucket is low, which can lead to feeling depressed, detached, and isolated. Jonathan also includes connection to nature and "source" (or however you refer to a sense of spirituality or "God") as important components of this bucket for many people.

Make sure not to underestimate the importance of that first component: connection with self. Without that, it's hard to be genuinely connected to others in a way that is authentic and invigorating rather than codependent and draining.

3. Contribution

This bucket is about the many ways in which we contribute to the world — through vocation, calling, purpose, creative ventures, volunteer work, and so on. The important thing to recognize with this bucket is that it can look very different from person to person, but without something filling it, feelings of emptiness and disconnection begin to loom and create a general sense of "blah" (in clinical terms). ;)

Depending on what your paying job is, some people feel a strong sense of contribution through their work. Others may choose a job that may not feel as "fulfilling" but get fulfillment in areas outside their work through contribution with family, friends, and organizations.

Overworking can certainly happen in any field, but people in helping professions often justify this because they view it as "noble" work (hello, martyr syndrome!) But just remember,  if you're pouring 110% into this part of your life, overworking to the point of sacrificing your Vitality or Connection buckets will prevent you from doing your best and most effective work.

What do you think of the idea of the 3 buckets? Where do you notice yourself pouring too much and too little? 

PS - I mention a couple of great podcasts in this post, and in my most recent email I sent out, I listed my 10 favorite current podcasts to listen to for personal and spiritual growth. If you weren't on my list to get it, sign up then shoot me an email at valerie at wakingupinwonder dot com and I'll get the list and descriptions right over to you! You'll also get 2 instant gifts when you sign up.